HAD AN ABORTION?Testimony Judy's Story
Back in 1965 when I fell pregnant I had only recently turned 16. I had never had a boyfriend - you didn't in those days - but I also didn't have a dad. (My dad died when I was 5.) Looking for male affirmation, I unwittingly got myself into a situation that led to my being raped by a man in his 20's, who I had only just met. I was home too late that night and my mother was so angry about that. Because I was so scared of her anger I didn't tell her about the rape even when I was almost 13 weeks pregnant and I had to tell her I was having a baby. A combination of concern for what the neighbours would think; shock that her daughter could be such "a bad girl" and fright when the local doctor she appealed to threatened to call the police, all led to hasty secret arrangements for a quick trip to Sydney. At 15 weeks the abortion was performed and true to her word to me, my mother never brought up the subject again. I don't know if she ever thought about it, but I know that I effectively buried it away somewhere in my subconscious. While at university I got involved in dialogue about a "woman's right to choose." I was for it, and used to say such things as "I wouldn't have one myself but..." all the while forgetting I already had. Years later when I learnt that my teenage daughter might be pregnant (she wasn't) my first thought was for an abortion.
15-16 years later...I had three children, was a committed Christian who was active in our local church, and happily married. To outsiders I probably looked like I had it all together. Since nobody knew about the abortion they didn't connect it with my being an extremely impatient and overly strict mum; they probably never noticed how uncomfortable I was around young babies, and certainly didn't know about the hundreds of times I prayed to be forgiven for the feelings of anger and hatred toward my kids- and for the emotional and physical abuse. After all I worked with children, was a great organizer of events for kids - so why would it occur to anyone that I was really quite disinterested in them? On my part, I'd decided that I lacked the "maternal instinct", forgetting how from a young age all I'd wanted was to be a mother. ....When I look back, I wonder how far I would have gone, had God not intervened. One day in the early 1980's something happened to bring back the vivid memory of that abortion. I was home alone and it was like a massive dam burst inside me. All the pain and grief and guilt and fear came pouring out I clearly remember the gut-wrenching sobs that went on and on and on and on. Even when this stopped, it seemed another dam was about to overwhelm me. The knowledge I needed to confront the abortion I’d buried for so long and the fear that knowing brought, led me to call on a counsellor friend. With his help and the Lord’s love and grace, I was amazingly and wonderfully forgiven and healed that day. It was the beginning of a process that has set me free and allowed me to learn to really love my children and their children. God’s healing in my own life has also enabled me help many other post-abortive women over a 22 year period. In that time, I’ve heard from many other women who had difficulty bonding with their later-born children, or have acknowledged neglect, or emotional or physical abuse that they directly relate back to their own abortions. I also know that many others live with a fear that something bad will happen to their kids because of what they have done. These are the ones who cannot forget no matter how hard they try. It’s been a joy to let them know that the God who loved, forgave and healed me, could do the same for them, and many have experienced this for themselves. Oh yes .....I have another son. His name is Robert and our first meeting will be a big bear hug. Judy. Visit- |
I am almost 60 and happily married to a wonderful man. I have four children: two daughters and one son, who have given me 14 beautiful grandchildren. I have another son - my first - who waits for me in Heaven.
